what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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