I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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