yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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