i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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