so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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