Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
