i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
