It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
