Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
