Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
