seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
