So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
