i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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