we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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