I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
