Just fell off a train. Bad.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
