So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
