I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
