My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
