Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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