I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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