I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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