Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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