I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
