Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
