did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
