i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
