people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
