I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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