Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
