I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
