I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
