TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
