Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
