mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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