friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
