Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
