Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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