I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
