its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
