I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
