I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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