She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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