I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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