sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
