Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
