like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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