If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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