i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
