ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
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That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
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What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
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