If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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