Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
