Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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