Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
