Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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