Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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