What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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