My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
