1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
