let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
