he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
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